Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Real Life

Spend day thinking of stuff I will do in the evening once children have gone to bed. Get to point where children have gone to bed and am exhausted. No desire to do anything but watch TV or sleep. Wake up next day and feel anxious or guilty about stuff that didn't get done.

Here's the thing: Two month old babies are REALLY unpredicatable. (Shocker.)
And it's ALL about the sleep patterns. As in, June has a good sleeping day, and I'm mentally planning workouts, envisioning completing a half marathon or some kind of triathlon before her first birthday. June has a poor sleeping day, and I'm feeling downright postpartum-y, like I'm not cut out for motherhood or just don't have the necessary reserves of patience and energy that other moms must; thinking to myself that it's a good thing that I'm breastfeeding, because if I weren't still the food source, I might be tempted to leave for an unreasonable period of time. (I'm not talking abandonment - I love my family. But 24-48 hours. A three day weekend, perhaps?) Not necessarily proud of these thoughts - just being honest.

Sometimes I think if I hear the sound of myself "shhhshing" once more, I'll go insane. Our Swiss ball has been bounced on so much that it needs re-inflating. Also, I believe that I told Georgia tonight that if I had to ask her one more time to stop yelling that she'd be sleeping on the porch. (Half stern voice, half laughing at myself as I said this.)

You'll notice I said good or bad sleeping "day." June is sleeping like a champ overnight, and for that I am immensely thankful. But right now I think I would trade getting up in the night for a quick feed for the hours of soothing required during the day and to get her down for the evening. Grass is always greener, I guess.

And in all of this, I think I'd still describe June as a relatively easy baby. She's sweet and smiley, and it's not her fault. I guess I'm just not always the easiest parent.

8 comments:

Me? A Mom? said...

I think many of us can relate to this. And when you have a toddler to contend with, it only compounds the emotions. I found that getting through these type of days is easiest if I stay in the moment and try not to take the long-view (i.e. what I'm going to do after kids go down). If I think about everything I could/should be doing, it depresses me.

Danni said...

Don't they make baby ambien? :p (My greatgrandmother, I believe, called it brandy).

Kelly said...

I could have written the first paragraph of this post. Taking care of one child is so time consuming and exhausting; I'm sure it's completely overwhelming to have 2 kiddos. I can tell you, though, that I've seen you in action and I think you're doing an AMAZING job! And when you have those amazingly frustrating days, just pick up the phone, dial my number, and we'll either talk about it or talk about something that has absolutely nothing to do with children :)

Susan said...

This sounds pretty normal to me, Kate! It's hard, no doubt about it. But, you are a great mom and have a good perspective on things.

jessica said...

As someone who isn't a mom I have such great respect for you. Like Susan said, you are a great mom. I don't think you should feel bad about having thoughts about wanting a little break. I know it's hard to do that now, but when you can do it, you totally deserve it. I'm a strong believer that in order to be the best in all your roles (mother, wife, friend, employee, sister, daughter, etc.) you have to take some time for yourself. I know it has to be impossible now but soon, it will happen soon!

Emily said...

There was a great post on the Rookie Mom's Guide once about how, sometimes, it's helpful to make a "did do" list rather than "to do" list. As in, changed x dirty diapers, nursed y number of times, read x number of stories, took a shower, fixed lunch, etc. Maybe it would feel empowering to think about all the things you did today rather than that other kind of list? Hang in there.

Mike&Maggie said...

Ah... you said it. I was just thinking about writing a similar post. Some days this job is absolutely maddening. I've had so many moments lately when I've felt like I'm totally in over my head...

Kate said...

Thanks for all of the kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. Sometimes it's what a girl needs to get through the day.

And Danni, you crack me up. Thanks for the brandy tip. Drinking more helps any problem, right? ; )