Taking Care of Me (and other musings)

My dad is (officially) dying, and a number of friends have expressed heartfelt concern that I'm going to get so caught up in taking care of my family that I'll not allow myself the opportunity to reflect, absorb, grieve, and heal myself.  As appreciative of the concern that I am, I had not been worrying about that aspect of things myself; I'm not sure I need to be, either.  But today I decided to go with it, or perhaps use it as an excuse, whichever works.

With four hours of babysitting time at my disposal, I did the following:

• Dropped June off at co-op
• Did a workout
• Took a shower
• Bought takeout lunch and ate it outside in the sunshine
• Read a book while lying in the grass in the middle of Logan Boulevard
• Picked June up from co-op

After this, I texted Joe that I love him and that I love my life.

Thoughts:

• It is amazing what a little sunlight and fresh air can do for one's soul.  
• Chores and bills that are already overdue can wait one more day.
• I am so spoiled lucky to be able to ever spend four hours like this and am immeasurably grateful for it.
• This morning was not at all representative of what an average day is like for the average stay at home mom, but it is representative of the moments when I pause and thank God that I am not currently employed.  I do not know how I would have juggled work with family obligations this spring, so I am glad to be "on hiatus." 
• It is amazing how an activity like leisure reading outside, which would have been a treat in my twenties but nothing worth writing about, now that I have three children feels like such an indulgence that I must fight the urge to feel guilty about it.  I don't know if that's a good thing, because I'm appreciating and getting intense pleasure out of things that previously seemed ordinary, or a bad thing because it is a sign of both limited free time and the pervasiveness of the guilt of motherhood?  No matter, because I enjoyed the hell out of it.  

After about a three week layoff, this week I'm tackling exercise (in baby steps).  Next week, food.  These are the things that you know will help you through stressful times but ignore anyway, because guess what Sherlock, Oreos also work - to a point.  I've done my part in the last month to drive up the global price of Double Stuffs, though, so perhaps it's time to move on to whatever the next phase of this god-awful process is.

The book I'm reading is Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, and as I wandered away from my responsibilities to read it, I couldn't help but chuckle at the thought that surely I've already mastered this philosophy by simply outsourcing the parenting to a sitter!  Alas, this was not the author's point, nor would it be a good long term solution, but it did the trick today.