Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Self-Deprecating (but not Self-Effacing)

A couple funny stories.

Poor form (in more ways than one)
This weekend I started Day 1 of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred workout DVD. (Not that I intend to do 30 of these in a row...let's not get excited, okay?)  Georgia was there to exercise along with me, which amounted to doing about 4 jumping jacks and then declaring that she was tired, watching from the couch (because apparently workout TV is better than no TV), and offering running commentary and questions, mostly revolving around my poor form.  

Georgia (re:  shirtless Jillian showing off her rock hard abs):  "Why is she wearing two bras?"
Me (huffing and puffing) :  "Well, honey, I guess sometimes when people have bigger breasts, they have to wear two bras at the same time."
"Well, otherwise their breasts shake all over the place."
"I wanna see.  Show me shake all over the place!"
"Well, honey, these people have bigger breasts than mommy.  I don't need two bras."
"Well, I don't know.  Some people just have bigger boobs than others." 
At this point she demands that I take my shirt off, and I oblige the request.  But then she gets upset that I am NOT SHAKING ALL OVER THE PLACE enough.  So there I am, shirtless, failing to jiggle my not so perky girls, all the while attempting to muddle my way through a set of shoulder press squats, and she declares with respect to the exercises, "You're not doing it right!"  Gee, thanks, coach.  Who needs "TV's toughest trainer" when you've got Georgia around?

[Aside:  please don't think I'm a total weirdo, but I guess it is the earth-mother-hippie-feminist-p.c. part of me that chooses to go along with all of her boob curiosities and let her try to breastpump or wear my bras or whatever she wants to.  I figure she's got a lifetime of societal hypersexualization of boobs ahead of her, so for now, in our house, they can just be another body part like any other as far as I'm concerned.]

This next one is worse. I am so embarrassed but am hoping that showcasing my idiocy will take away the sting of the embarrassment.

You might be a redneck if...
Against your better judgment, you follow the advice of your coworkers who suggest that the best way to heat up a freezing cold kiddie pool that hasn't had time to sit in the sun all day is to pour boiling water into it. You might be an even bigger idiot if you attempt to bring along a container of snack crackers while carrying the freshly boiled pot of water down a corridor, a flight of stairs and through a metal gate.  Not surprisingly, I stumbled; slosh ensued.  Show of hands - who here has managed to burn their stomach?  Anyone?  No, I didn't think so.  Seriously, this is one of the DUMBEST injuries I have ever had.


Me? A Mom? said...

I hope the judgmental ANONYMOUS poster that's been over on my blog doesn't read this as she'll surely accuse you of mentally scarring your daughter and turning her into a lesbian or something. Personally, I find it hilarious.

katandkarl said...

i'm a little jealous your boobs are smaller than jillian michaels. mine refuse to get smaller. additionally, nate thinks it is hilarious to push on nipples like buttons and laughing hysterically so i spend my topless time saying things like "mommy's boobies are not toys."

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOL!!! This was one of the funniest posts I've ever read. "You're not doing it right!" hahahahahahaha!" Tom T.

Danni said...

That is too too too funny. Not the burning but Georgia.